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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

An SU at the CU equals ewwwwwwww…

Posted by sdrury on December 28, 2009

This is the first in an ongoing series of missives that are meant to illuminate the deteriorating state of decorum and consideration towards our fellow man. The continuing disintegration of the interest in the common good, rather than the personal good, is further evidence that we are, in fact, doomed as a country, and eventually, as a race of humans.

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So. I’m at a coffee shop (not Starbucks, actually it’s The Coffee Underground) here in Greenville. I’m working on a freelance project on my laptop, listening to my iTunes library and generally minding my own business. The iced teas I’ve downed while tapping away on my keyboard have made their way to the section of my body that demanded immediate attention. Nature called.

The bathroom at the CU (the abbrevaition it ascribes for itself) is fairly standard as far as coffee shops go. A sink, a stall and a commode. As the latter two were occupado, I waited patiently by the sink. A gentleman emerged from the commode and he and I exchanged nods in the way that men unfamiliar with each other will do after they’ve just exposed they’re genitalia in close quarters. It’s a kind of half-smile, meant to make pleasant an unpleasant circumstance.

(not the commode in question)

As I arrived in the now vacant toilet, I instantly noticed that the previous tenant had abused the machine in such a way as to make it unusable for subsequent visitors. The detritus of his labors had been left untended. The dude peed all over the lid. I groaned, hoping for a sympathetic ear in the other person in the bathroom, but he was in mid-stream. So I uttered an expletive and left.

Emerging from the rest room, I was furious, not only at such an egregious lack of hygiene but by the false sense of fellowship created by the trade of glances when we passed shoulders. I was determined to confront the offender. I spotted him instantly, seated across from a member of the fairer sex. Perfect, I’ll humiliate him in front of his soon-to-be ex –girlfriend. But I paused. The coffee shop was crowded. The non-threatening music (Counting Crows?) and holiday season had forged a mood incompatible to confrontation. I thought about finking on him to one of the barristas. Or maybe just pull him inside and implore not to repeat such an indiscretion. I did none of these and instead returned to the rest room once it had emptied.

Once I returned to my seat—having washed my hands more thoroughly than I had in recent memory—I glowered at the SU (sloppy urinator). I am regular here and should our paths cross once again, in latrine or out, he shall be made fully aware of my umbrage and ordered to…make sure it never happens again. Or I’ll really get mad.

What should I have done? Vote in the poll below.

Posted in Humor, Life in Greenville, We're Doomed - Humanity | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Bill Maher Interviewed

Posted by sdrury on December 26, 2009

Rather than go into the list of issues in which Bill Maher and I concur, it’s much easier to say that we start from the place, which is a humanist perspective. In most any policy decision, there is the “right” thing to do, that is, the choice that best serves the vast multitudes, rather than a particular constituency. A person must divorce himself from electoral politics to be a humanist because it is position, that is, by default, globalist, whereas politics is, by default, territorial.  

This point of view makes someone like Bill Maher perplexing to someone like Joe Scarborough who exists in the narrow world of voting, whether it’s in a polling booth or on a couch with a remote control. The interview is from Newsweek’s December 21, 2009 issue:

Scarborough: So, liberal comedians were wringing their hands a year ago in The New York Times over the prospect of telling jokes at the expense of the chosen one, Barack Obama, at the beginning of his presidency. Have any comedic themes emerged over the past year surrounding Barack Obama that you find funny?
Maher: Well, let me correct your question first of all. Comedians weren’t wringing their hands, the media was. The media gets a hold of a question, and then like sheep all repeat it ad nauseam until we are so sick that we want to jam a needle in our eye. But yes, six months ago I was getting booed by my own audience when I would make jokes about Obama. I remember one show I had to say to my audience, “He’s the president, not your boyfriend.” And at the time, what I was basically saying was that he wasn’t putting it on the line against the insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, and big agribusinesses, and the credit-card companies, and the banks. Basically, the American political scene didn’t have a party that was representing the left at all, and that’s what we thought we were voting for. Well, they’re not booing anymore when I say that. I said that he needed more Bush and Cheney his personality and my audience went nuts.

Speaking of Dick Cheney, do you feel betrayed as a progressive by the president’s decision on Afghanistan to defer to the generals’ wishes, much in the way Dick Cheney and George W. Bush did over the past eight years?
I don’t feel betrayed, I feel disappointed. I don’t feel betrayed because he did run on the idea that, well, we’ve got to have some war. I mean, come on, we are Americans. So he was not untrue to what the campaign said. But things haven’t changed in Afghanistan. Mostly we found out that the government was even more corrupt than we thought. [Laughs] Which is saying something. And I think that would have given him enough cover to get out from his campaign pledge. He didn’t have to do this.

Was he afraid to stand up to the generals or an American public that you suggest likes a good war?
I don’t think they like this one anymore. I mean, there are even a number of people on the conservative side who are against this war. I have no idea what his thinking is. Something happens when you become president. They give you the plane, they give you the helicopter, everywhere you go they play “Hail to the Chief.” You get your ass kissed 24 hours a day. You think that America can do anything.

Let’s go back to your discussion about health-care reform that you are now talking about in your stand-up act. If the president ends up supporting a health-care-reform bill that doesn’t contain a public option, but does have the amendment that restricts abortion funding, will progressives have been betrayed or abandoned by the Democratic Party running Congress?
I think that we were abandoned by the Democratic Party years and years and years ago. I don’t, as I said, think we have a progressive party. They were abandoned by the Democratic Party on gun control. They were abandoned by the Democratic Party on catering to the needs of the banks and the credit-card companies before the people. I mean, when the Democratic Party is OK with 30 percent interest credit cards, I think any discussion of betrayal is late. There’s not a society in the world that hasn’t condemned usury. There is not a religion, you’ll be happy to know, or a religious philosopher that hasn’t condemned the practice of usury. The reason we don’t have loan sharks anymore is because that’s what banks do legally. If there was any time to bring out a can of socialist whoop-ass, it would be now on that.

How could Barack Obama, after 11 months in office, manage the trifecta of offending progressives, who believe he hasn’t gone far enough, conservatives, who believe he’s gone too far, and independents, who are acting like they did when Ross Perot was running around the countryside?
That’s a good question. I’ve heard you ask that on your show. There is no good answer because he is such a bright guy, so you wonder how he could do it. He was never going to get the conservatives. I mean, I don’t know why he spent the amount of time he has so far in his administration currying the favor of people who don’t like him. Someone has to give him a memo that says, “They’re just not that into you.” You are the wrong age, the wrong party, the wrong color. They’re just never going to get behind you. So, you know, I hate to say it, but I agree with your boy Pat Buchanan. If Obama was in Congress still, he would have been against this troop buildup in Afghanistan. He would have been with Kucinich.

But let me correct you. Pat Buchanan is not my boy, Pat Buchanan is America’s boy, OK, Bill?
[Laughs] Certainly not America’s boy.

You know, speaking of Pat Buchanan, who certainly under-stood where populists were in ’92 and again in ’96: Buchanan seems to believe that Americans are exhausted by war, after eight years in Afghanistan and Iraq. Don’t you think the president could unite progressives and conservatives like George Will, Pat Buchanan, and myself by actually having the courage to stand up to the generals and say, “You get 18 months and no more. [Then] bring the troops home.”
Well, yes. His own top military guys said there’s probably less than 100 Al Qaeda [in Afghanistan]. So why can’t we call up George Bush and get the old MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner and put it up and march right out of there? You’re right, it might unite progressives and conservatives.

You’ve heard this theme as well. For eight years Republicans worked around the clock to delegitimize Bill Clinton. For the next eight years, Democrats tried to delegitimize Bush. Now Barack Obama is enduring the rage of his conservative opposition. How do we step back from a political system that seems to promote mutually assured destruction, regardless of whom we elect?
Well, I would take some issue with that question, and this is something conservatives like to do, which is to spread it around equally when that’s not really the case.

Here’s the problem, though, Bill. Hold on, Bill
Do you really think if there was a terrorist attack on the order of 9/11, Republicans would rally around Obama like Democrats did around Bush?

Yes.
You do?

I think they would for about as long as Democrats rallied around Bush before going after him. And here’s the problem, Bill—when I make this argument to Republicans, they of course say, “Well, Joe, I take issue with what you’re saying.” It’s just it’s always the other side’s fault.
Right. I hear you. I’m not saying that Democrats are at all blameless. They are responsible, for example, for the process of politicizing Supreme Court nominees.

Right. So how do we step back from that? Is it possible?
That is the $64,000 question, and every president who gets elected runs on the platform “I’m going to change the tone in Washington.” But then the tone in Washington gets even worse. I don’t know if a president or a leader can do that, because the provenance of that problem is the people. I don’t know how a leader can fundamentally change what’s in people’s hearts.

Is it time for an independent?
Independent?

Yeah.
An independent? Well, that’s possible. Isn’t the independent registration now bigger than either political party?

It’s up in the 40s. It’s the highest it’s ever been, according to Gallup.
That’s twice as many as Republicans, and I think it’s more than Democrats too. You know, I guess what we need is an independent leader. Maybe you and I should run together on a unity ticket, Joe?

I think we could do that. [ Laughs ]
The unity ticket of Scarborough and Bill Maher. I’ll be happy to be the vice president because you have experience in Congress and I don’t really want to get up before noon.

That will bring America together. Now, if I can’t do that, what about Lou Dobbs? Would you serve with Lou Dobbs on an independent Lou Dobbs ticket?
Ah, no, I don’t think so. I don’t think I want to have lunch with Lou Dobbs once a week.

What do you think about TV hosts like Lou Dobbs talking about running for president?
Well, I think it’s the age we live in. You know, he certainly has no less credibility than Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan was in Bedtime for Bonzo, and you guys think he was the greatest president since George Washington. So, I’m just glad we have a constitutional-law professor who was able to somehow sneak into the presidency. I’m just going to hold my breath for the next seven years.

You have any holiday plans?
I’m going to try not to do interviews.

Good.
Not that I don’t love talking to you. You’re an exception. No, I don’t have big holiday plans. You know I don’t celebrate the whole baby-Jesus thing, so we can put the religious part of it off the table. I don’t really have much family left. I really like the holidays as a time where people are away and the phone doesn’t ring and nobody can call you up and say, “Oh, can you do this, can you do that?” I wish it would last longer.

Well, speaking of our favorite topic this holiday season, what are your thoughts about God? Do you believe in any supreme being in any form?
Joe, I put this all in my movie Religulous. It’s on DVD.

I know. But you wouldn’t do our show.
It’s the perfect stocking stuffer for the secular-minded person at Christmastime. Christmas is a national holiday, and I don’t object to the holiday. Of course, I have wonderful memories of Christmas when I was a child, and it’s a great time of year for family to get together. That’s a nice thing. Families should bond. But also to reassess. It’s a good time to say “Oh” and take stock and say, “Gee, how was I ethically this year?” That’s the problem with faith, Joe. What it does is it kind of screws up your priorities. Your priorities shouldn’t be saving your own ass, which is the focus of Christianity. The focus should be, I’m a good person, and I do that just for the sake of being good. Like the Christmas song says, “Be good for goodness’ sake.”

OK, final question from me. You talk about the fact that you had good Christmas memories. Do you have a favorite?
Um…

Going back to your childhood? I’m trying to help you here with all of the people you’ve pissed off already. So give me your favorite Christmas memory.
I don’t know about a specific one, but what I remember was a Christmas tradition, which was playing Robert Goulet’s Christmas album. My mother was a big fan of Robert Goulet, and so many housewives were in the 1960s, Joe. I don’t know if you remember that at all, but Robert Goulet was quite the matinee idol. In fact, I once flew my mother out to Las Vegas to have dinner—we all had dinner together—Robert Goulet, his wife, my mother, and I. It was the thrill of her life. It was the best Christmas album, we just wore that thing out. I remember after Christmas we had a party, which was odd, because it was a Christmas party, and my father was very Catholic but my mother was Jewish. It was all the Jewish relatives who lived in the area, so they came to the Christmas party, and then they would leave and we would all be exhausted. And we would all just sit there, and [enjoy] the glow of the fire, the fire on the TV—we didn’t have a fireplace—and listen to the Robert Goulet Christmas album.

It doesn’t get better than that, Bill Maher.
And then I would go upstairs and masturbate.

All right. Thanks, Bill.

Posted in Current Events, Humor | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Precious – The White, Abridged Version

Posted by sdrury on December 14, 2009

I’m thinking this version is preferable.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/635e8e0e5b/precious-moments

Posted in Humor, Video-Humor | Leave a Comment »

Ricky Gervais – On Fat People

Posted by sdrury on November 29, 2009

Always nice to have someone famous agree with me.

Btw…1 stone equals 14 pounds.

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Bunghole Anyone?

Posted by sdrury on November 29, 2009

Never gets old.

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Carollachrome

Posted by sdrury on November 21, 2009

Adam Carolla has been popping up on the entertainment radar for the last fifteen years or so. Born in Philadelphia and raised in North Hollywood,  it’s hard to say what he’s most known for. His first major gig was on radio as the host of the quasi-relationship show Loveline, which later was syndicated on television. He hosted The Man Show (a guilty pleasure of mine) on Comedy Central with pal Jimmy Kimmel and then wrote and voiced Crank Yankers, also on Comedy Central, a show featuring puppets making prank phone calls. At the time it was a nadir of telvision entertainment, but has since been surpassed tenfold.

He also appeared recently on Dancing With the Stars and currently hosts The Adam Carolla podcast which airs daily and can be found here. The show features folks on the margins of the entertainment universe chatting with Carolla. It’s profane, informative, topical, perverse, scatological and almost always hilarious. The programs shine when Carolla and his guest talk up life in Hollywood, minutiae of day to day existence like dealing with wives, girlfriends, co-workers, family and whatever else might be happening in his universe.

It doesn’t take long to realize that Carolla is pretty sharp guy. Despite barely graduating from high school his podcast reveals he’s a man with a range of interests. In addition to being a comedian, he owns a construction company and an auto shop. In a recent show, within the space of a few minutes he referred to Rob Zombie, Van Gogh, Columbine, life on other planets and his predilection for well-endowed women (the show’s sponsor is a sex boutique). He also routinely breaks the unwritten rule of Hollywood by criticizing other industry types by name. A favorite target is Tyler Perry. He calls out Perry not only for being unfunny but for also perpetuating racial stereotypes. Not something you’d expect to hear from a guy who hosted a show that had an ongoing segement featuring scantily clad women jumping on trampolines.

Carolla comes across as a guy keeping multiple balls in the air while trying to maintain his sanity in a world filed with impossible people. The show loses its bearings when Carolla dips into abstract policy discussions. Segments about foreign affairs, health care, environment and immigration usually end in Carolla dispensing some common sense advice tinged with doses of sexism, racism and a general lack of nuance or understanding.

When thinking through solutions to the world’s problems he inevitably defaults to a “life is complicated and we’re all just trying to get by” populism. His philosophy on celebrity, creativity and a range of sub-sub-sub topics like body odor seem completely thought out and ruminated about in great detail. His philosophies appear like chapter headings and are made more clever by how they’re tied in to some larger trope or discussion point or something he’s experienced in his life. For example, in great detail, he’ll compare comedy to carpentry. And harkening to his radio background, he’ll modulate his voice in a way that amplifies the analogy. It’s inspired stuff and worth checking out. Mahalo.

Posted in Humor, Podcasts | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Two Suggestions for Bill Maher’s New Rules

Posted by sdrury on October 13, 2009

1. No one besides Jack Nicholson (and, ok, blind people) is allowed to intentionally wear sunglasses indoors. This includes athletes, porn stars, the Kate chick with 8 kids bitching about being followed around by photographers when her income is based solely on that very thing, car salesmen, pimps (similar to car salesmen, just a different product), politicians (see: porn stars/car salesmen/pimps), and least of all, a woman eating in a half-decent restaurant who is pregnant (I think), wearing a tank top, flip flops and sporting a new RoadRunner tattoo on her calf which she thinks is “uhhhhhmazin'” (direct quote).

2. Black chicks aren’t allowed to have blonde hair. Stop it. Don’t tell me it’s a black thing whitey doesn’t understand. Eve, Mary J Blige, and any other marginally talented member of the entertainment-industrial complex. C’mon now girl. Be true to your roots-the ones in your blood and on your head.

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Sarah Palin – Author

Posted by sdrury on October 7, 2009

Sarah Palin - Author

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Obama Speaking to Children in School! Never!

Posted by sdrury on September 7, 2009

For those parents worried that President Obama will perform a psychic mind-meld on your defenseless children…
He also wants the government to control health care so he or one of his lackeys can decide who lives or who dies. And before he kills you (in favor of Latinos and blacks) he’ll give free healthcare and abortions on demand to illegal immigrants, you wait in endless lines for a stint or a health-valve.
This man had the audacity to equate education to patriotism (the nerve!), Obama made us even “weaker” by apologizing for past atrocities to our so-called European allies.
He is secretly a Muslim (which by definition makes him a terrorist) who is secretly subverting America’s strength for the ultimate religious war, a modern update to 13th Century, Crusades-style Muslims v. Christians battle royale. We all know what side he’s on! And he controls the nukes!!!

Speak to our children??? No way!!! Next thing you know he’ll:

1. Abandon thousands of people after a devastating hurricane hits their town.
2. Deregulate the utilities industry to benefit his pals which will lead to power outages in a large state, like, say, California-endangering an untold number of people.
3. Fire federal judges because they don’t share his political views.
4. Ignore the clear intelligence warning of an impending terrorist attack.
5. Ship prisoners off to other countries–or “black sites”–where they’ll be tortured.
6. Send our men and women to war under false pretenses.

Indeed, all this “Get good grades, excel in school” is a pretense for much more ominous speechificationing!

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